Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009!

2009It was a year ago today that I was involved in a life-profound car accident.

Luckily, or should I say because of a higher power, I made it out an accident scratch-free that most people, including the officer that found me in my car upside down, said I shouldn’t have survived.

I won’t rehash the details, considering it’s still vivid in my mind, but I will say a prayer tonight that I’m still here. It set off a year that wasn’t my best, I can admit. From that accident, I had a lot of financial setbacks, including having to buy a car after living years without car payments. Because of it,  I realized that I needed to get my money situation in order.

The accident also reemphasized the importance of family. The night of the accident, I was riding in my car alone, following behind my parents in one car, and my sister’s family in another. Our three cars were headed to a family restaurant, and I remember being upset that no one took into consideration my feelings about riding with them. I had a small twinge of feeling left out, and everything was put into perspective after that night.

I say all this to say that this is a new year, 2009 to be exact. I want to leave all the baggage of 2008 behind me. There are some things I need to do and things I want to try, cause you only live once. I don’t really have any resolutions, per se. I just have this urge to be more involved in my community, and focus on something besides myself, you know.

It all began when I saw Milk a week and a half ago. (The movie was wonderful; you must see it). The film about the first openly gay man to be elected to public office inspired me. It will show you we need people who will stand up for us – and that things really haven’t changed that much when it comes to gay rights. Here we are in the same situation we were 20 years ago, when Proposition 6 was introduced to fire any gay teacher or their supporters in 1978 . Except Prop. 6 was defeated, whereas last year’s Prop. 8 won. Harvey was just getting started politically when he was brutally assassinated. It’s no telling what he could have accomplished.

The other thing I’ve toyed with is writing erotica. It’s been on my mind for a minute. I have a vivid imagination, and I should be putting this stuff down on paper. I hope to have a few pieces published this year, at least that’s my goal. I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on to give me a little inspiration. Maybe Lebron can give me a little motivation, as well 🙂

Oh, I want to lose weight. Just though I’d throw that in for good measure.

I see many good things occurring this year. And I want to be the one to make it happen.

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Post-Thanksgiving/Pre-Christmas Post

It’s not good to get out a groove for blogging, which is like sleep – the more you sleep, the more you want to sleep, and then you never get anything done.

I’ve been enjoying myself since Thanksgivingdinner. I was lucky enough to have two dinners to attend, one with my family and one with Lebron’s family. I dined on enough turkey, dressing and mac and cheese to choke a horse, and have a little laughter with Lebron’s mom and relatives, who always manage kill me with their homespun wisdom. It’s always great to be with people who keep it real and believe in the simple things in life.

Other than that, I did manage to attend a couple of Black Friday sales, first at Office Depot, then at Best Buy (a hot mess!). Since I got there two hours after the doors open, of course I was left with nothing. I was attempting to buy a laptop, and with sales of $349, that seemed right up my alley. Instead I was told that I needed to be there at 4 in the morning to get those sacred deals. Needless to say, my shopping visit was in vain. I probably won’t look again until after Christmas, when things might be a little less hectic and a little more financial friendly for my wallet.

Christmasthis year, shopping wise, plans to be short and sweet. I’m only buying gifts for my parents, three-year-old nephew, and two teen nieces. Other grown folks can fend for themselves. I went shopping with my brother last weekend, him in search of a bicycle and a cell phone for his daughters. We went to three Wal-marts in the city. Talk about tired.

It still hasn’t made me get in the Christmas spirit yet. Considering I’m a last-minute, procrastinating shopper, it’ll probably be the day before Christmas eve before I even finish what’s on my list.

Is it beginning to look a lot like Christmas where you are?

Saturday Morning Ramblings from Borders

This morning, I’m doing my weekend routine of sitting in my favorite bookstore, Borders, reading magazines, drinking iced coffee and enjoying the beauty of being around readers like me who just enjoy a good book. Call me a nerd, but it’s comforting. I love ambiance of a bookstore and reading has been a passion of mine since I was an 8-year-old spending her entire allowance on paperbacks at $2 (yeah, remember when they were that cheap?). I remember reading such classics as The Baby-Sitters Club, Just as Long as We’re Together (Judy Blume is the bomb!), and Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry. Now, the paperbacks are $15 and even more for hardbacks. Books aren’t cheap but totally worth the enjoyment they give me.

People-watching is one of the things I also enjoy. It’s interesting to see the different walks of life, from students armed with laptops and iPods to retirees lounging reading the newspaper without a care in the world. It’s even better when I spot a girl like me, a rare occasion. Spotting them with my gaydar, it’s so sexy to see an intelligent sistah getting her studying on. A few years back, there was a girl I noticed reading Curve and chatting it up on her Yahoo messenger. Single at the time, I found her to be attractive and even more so that she seemed to be playing on my team. But alas, I never approached her. I can be shy when it comes to those situations, and usually, I need an encouraging sign to approach a woman in public. You never know about those kinds of encounters.

But I digress. So today, I have picked out the following magazines to read: Essence (with Will & Jada Smith on the cover), Sister 2 Sister (simply to get my black gossip on), US Weekly (to get my mainstream gossip-on), and The Advocate (to read for gay issues). Every one offers something different, and knowledge is definitely power. I begin with The Advocate, which has a column about a woman’s struggle with money living in the high-ass city of San Francisco, an article about the recent approval of gay marriage in Connecticut (yeah! :-)), and an interview with E. Patrick Johnson, who wrote the book Sweet Tea about gay men living in the South. I need to pick that one up. I love reading about our stories, from self-acceptance to coming out to being in love. I guess that’s why I’ve been absolutely drawn to the women on my blogroll. We all have being a lesbian in common, but each have our own stories and journeys that make us different. I love it, and can’t get enough.

The gossip mags, Sister 2 Sister and Us Weekly, offer the same ole thing, but Essence is one of my favorites. The article about Will and Jada is just beautiful, wherein they interview each other about love, marriage and children. The way they interact is just real and refreshing. Listen to this quote from Will to Jada:

“Well, the truth about life is that we’re all alone. But when somebody loves you, right, that experience is shared. Love is the only real connective tissue that allows you to not live and die by yourself. It gives you purpose beyond you. You don’t necessarily have to get married have that, but I’ve always wanted to be married. I knew you were that person for me because you’re loyal, to a fault…”

That’s deep. And considering the fallout from the defeat of gay marriage in California and Florida, it seems to be right on time, and leads me to think of something I read recently about gay marriage. Elton John, that flamboyantly gay icon, said he thinks gays had it wrong when it came to California’s Proposition 8. He believes it was a mistake to go strictly for gay marriage, suggesting that maybe they should have asked for civil unions instead – a move that would have been easier for the mainstream to swallow. I do understand where he’s coming from, considering England approved civil partnerships four years ago and gays have the same rights and benefits as married couples. Maybe it would have been easier for straights to accept us having civil unions, but who says they should be the only one to have the privilege of marriage. They aren’t respecting the institution of marriage any better, so why can’t I have the right to marry my lover?

Actually, California surprised me by opposing gay marriage. Considering how metropolitan the urban areas are, like Los Angeles and San Francisco are, I didn’t see that one coming. Florida, yeah. We’re so conservative as a whole that it was just expected to say Yes to Amendment 2. Considering the protest I saw in front of the Capitol building, and how muddled the language was on the issue, I didn’t have much hope for it to pass. The protests this weekend should show the public just how disappointed we are, and we’re not going away.

Also on my Borders reading pile is Hiding in Hip-Hop by Terrance Dean. It’s an interesting look at the gay world of entertainment from the eyes of an insider. He gives you the skinny on how gay men deal with being on the down-low to achieve further success in Hollywood. There isn’t much name dropping, unless you count pseudonyms he gives actors, singers and rappers to shield their identities. Some of them I’ve been able to figure out, like Ne-Yo (surprise, surprise), but others are like a riddle. I’m excited trying to figure it out. Terrance portrays his life in an honest fashion, from growing feeling abandoned to trying to make heads or tails of his sexuality. You should check it out.

Well, back to my reading. Essence awaits…

TGIF: Friday Ramblings

Today is yet another lazy Friday, and I ‘m glad.

It’s the kind of day I love where right on the cusp of the weekend, when there’s so much high hopes about to spend your two days of freedom. I usually wake up with a pep in my step, getting up at 7 a.m. (okay, maybe I hit the alarm until 7:15, 7:20 the latest) to be to work by 8. I may stop by an eatery, preferably Chik-fil-A. Oh, how I love their Chick-n-Minis; it’s like a little piece of heaven on a sweet bun. Lovely

At work on a Friday, it’s the time when people seem to chill out, and the telephones slow down. I can usually get a lot of reading done, and today was no exception. I was engrossed in The Rainbow Cedar by Gerri Hill. It’s the story of two lovers who find themselves completely attracted to each other, but because of their commitments, they can never quite hook up. Jay has been with her girlfriend for 8 years, and Drew doesn’t want to ruin Jay’s relationship. It’s a lot more complicated than that, but I won’t give away the plot. It’s really just a simple love story – and I love romance stories. Not cheesy ones, like the Gerri Harlequin romance, bodice-ripping epics I used to read as a teenager. (When I look back, how could I have read such crap?). The Rainbow Cedar is different, and I’m so psyched to see how it ends. Of course I know they’ll eventually come together. I’m getting excited to see how it unfolds.

Speaking of unfolding, it is kind of interesting to see Miss Lindsay Lohan cavorting with the likes of Samantha Ronson. Nobody has really made any kind of fuss or even blinked an eye about the happy couple, other than Los Angeles police chief William Bratton, who remarked that since “Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don’t seem to have much of an issue” with paparazzi. Those remarks reek of a homophobia. I don’t see where it’s anybody’s business but Lindsay and Sam. Personally, I think they make a cute couple, what with Lindsay all young Hollywood glam, and Sam dressed in her best L.A. DJ gear, which apparently is ratty T-shirts, skinny jeans and a black fedora. I wish them the best, because it does seem like Lindsay has calmed down a lot. Maybe Samantha is the kind of person she needs in her life. Based on the one episode I’ve seen of Living Lohan, it’s probably better she stay with the record-spinning Sam. I wonder if it’ll become a trend in Hollywood, not like it hasn’t before.

I’ve kind of become addicted to reality shows myself. I mean, it’s too easy to get caught up in the drama of someone else’s life, even if it’s for 30-minutes of entertainment. My indulgences are Big Brother 10, and all the back-stabbing cattiness of Keesha (yes, a white girl!), Libra and Jessie. Ugh, I wish they would send arrogant-ass Jesse home. Then I set my sights on Brooke Knows Best. Cheesy, yes, I know, but that’s why they call it a guilty pleasure. Even though she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, Brooke seems like the most sane of the Hogan clan. Then it’s time for Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, which I luv, luv, luv. I like Tori Spelling, especially since I’m a big 90210 fan. Tori’s not as ditzy or boring as I thought, and her show really surprised me. She’s actually very funny and down-to-earth. I happen to think her and Dean make a fabulous couple, although the fact they left their spouses to be with one another is a little devious. I just hope they last; somehow I’m sure they will.

Well that’s all folks…till next Friday!

I Kissed a Girl…

It’s hard not to like Katy Perry’s I Kissed a Girl, her ode to bi-curious experimentation. A monster summer hit, It’s catchy, it’s flirty, it’s girl-on-girl action. And who doesn’t love that? I find it hard not to sing along to the chorus, reminiscing about my own lip-locks from past.

Cause one thing Katy doesn’t do is give the kiss of a woman justice. It’s more than a cherry-chapped-sticked wet dream of a young girl’s fantasy, at least for me. It’s the feeling of soft lips on yours, a warm and inviting mouth, while touching the supple curves of her body. It’s also how I found the passion I’d been searching for all my life.

When I first decided to jump into the lesbian dating pool, I did what most women-seeking-women do: place a online personals ad. Yahoo! personals was the place to be then (especially since it was free in those days). I got a few responses, most not worth my time; lest I forget the girl I met who wanted to me to come back to her place, even though she had a live-in girlfriend.

Yet in those ghastly responses came the one from “Daisy,” a woman whom I seemed to have so much in common with. Both us intelligent, goofy girls with sensitive, no-nonsense attitudes, our first time exploring our lesbian desires. We clicked from the start, and spent most every night getting to know each other better.

After a while, Daisy and I decided our first date would be a movie. This was, of course, dependent upon if we liked what we saw once we met. (Pictures can be deceiving.) I met Daisy at a neutral spot on our campus, waited for her and we both broke out in smiles upon spying each other. (Yeah, she does look like the cutie from the photo! :-).  Fears relieved, Daisy and I embarked on our date.

Fast forward to later, and Daisy and I are sitting my car, chitchatting and not ready to go home yet. We’re talking. Finally that awkward moment comes when it’s time for the kiss but who makes the first move? Daisy leans in, and at this point, I don’t remember who asked who, but the kiss happens.

My first kiss with a woman.

I feel her full lips on mine, and I think how soft. Our lips part and I think she tastes good. I wrap my arms around her and I want to feel more. All the while in my head, I believe this kiss is it. This is what I had been waiting for. I had never felt this way kissing a man. Daisy’s touch was unbelievable.

Of course we had to stop, or things would have gotten out of hand in my vehicle. Let’s just say the windows were a little foggy. That night I went home dreaming of more kisses like that one — and from that day on I’ve had my fare share (not too much :-).

Now the kisses are not about experimentation, but for love. Like with Lebron I feel the same tingle, but it’s heightened because of the “in love” factor.

I’m far from curious anymore.

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T?

She’ll buy her own I don’t think she’ll never look
In a man face standing waiting for him to take care of her
She’ll rather go to work and pay the bills on schedule
Independent, Webbie, Lil Phat and Lil Boosie

webbieboosie.bmpThis morning, “Tangy” calls me at work, one of my best girlfriends who isn’t a girl, if you know what I mean. We’re chitchatting about nothing, as we always do, and the subject comes to relationships. The thing we’re discussing is about having a man and being the little wife. Of course, in his case, since he’s more effeminate, his man would have to be the masculine partner, and Tangy would be the little wifey.

Or so I thought. Tangy immediately objected that domestic role, saying, “Uh uh, we would share the household duties. It’s gonna be fifty-fifty.”
I say, “Okay, so what if your man expects you to do these things, like cleaning house and making dinner? You wouldn’t feel obligated?”

“No,” he said, like it was an abomination that I even asked.

I guess when it comes down to it, I’m pretty domestic myself. It comes from a lifetime of seeing my mother serve my father dinner, although he does do his share of the cooking. It’s a role that comes from having an old-school mother and father team, one where dad may wash a few dishes, but doing laundry is simply out of the question.

I adopt this role, as the femme of a lesbian partnership with Lebron, but sometimes it conflicts with me. I do relish taking care of my stud, because it’s something I enjoy. I love to cook (and she loves for me to whip up a pan of baked chicken).  Lebron does her part, as well, as I owe most of my furniture assembly and computer repair to her.

So I’m singing Independent in my car on the way home, and I found some small part of me that thinks I’m that woman, too. Two jobs, work hard, you a bad broad…well, maybe not the two jobs part. It sometimes conflicts, because you’re your own person, but being in a relationship means you have to compromise and find your role.Until Lebron, I always thought of myself as independent, not leaning on a girlfriend for much and really not expecting much either. My single girlfriends and I were–still are–educated, sistahs with good jobs and taking care of ourselves without too much help. We were knew that we were catches, but we knew having the right man or woman was icing on the cake in our lives and didn’t want to settle for just anyone.

We were, simply put, divas. Even Lebron felt that way when she first met me, but to her chagrin, it was the thing that attracted her — that I had my own mind.

It’s still that way for me, but I realize now that I don’t have to be so “hard.” I can let my guard down some, and let myself be loved. I can be independent and submissive, finding some satisfaction in the balance of both aspects.

Middle of the Night Randomness

HPIM0479.JPGThis is gonna be one of those random posts, I can tell, cause it’s 2:25 a.m. — and I’m not sleepy yet.

This is quite unusual for me because usually I can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Most times in the middle of my 11 p.m. episode of Sex and the City. By the time Carrie’s contemplating her famous question, I’m answering my call to sleep.

Lebron’s quietly snoring away while I type. Yes, we’re still going strong after almost 11 months. Hasn’t been easy, I tell you. Getting use to living with someone never is, especially since I’ve never done it before. I was always use to visiting one woman or another’s apartment, with she not having to worry about what I look like with the everyday Haines underwear, without the beauty of my matching bra-and-panty sets. Or having to realize that I’m a real woman who takes has to spray air freshener in the bathroom sometimes. Real as it is, it’s me. I can be dramatic and annoying sometimes, that’s simply the Diva in me.

Even a Diva has her moments of imperfections.

Other things I’ve found out since our cohabitation. I make a damn good girlfriend. Hmmm…something I should have known before now, you say. Well, sometimes you don’t. I guess it’s one thing you realize when you feel yourself giving a lot more in relationship than you ever have before. This relationship feels different so I’m giving it more care than I have others. I feel complete, not because of Lebron, but because of how she makes me feel.

Okay enough mushiness.

Like my T-shirt? It’s from a gay bookstore in Atlanta dubbed Brushstrokes, a place me and my good friend frequent whenever I’m in town. Since the clientel is mostly gay men, I’m sure this shirt was meant for a more effeminate man, but I think I look far better in it. Especially with some tight jeans. Yum!

Well, I better get to bed. If not, I’ll be nodding off at work (more than I already do). Toodles.

And next time I won’t make it so long between visits.