Ask a Lesbian Anything

I started this page, when I asked if there was anything you ever wanted to know about dealing with lesbian/gay issues, sex or relationships. I’m posting the questions anonymously, so check back here for my responses. Like I said, I’m not an expert or anything, and of course I don’t speak for everyone in the gay community, but I can try my best to answer honestly.

Q. I just came across your site a few days ago. First let me say that I love your writing style. You have a unique way to draw in the reader and pique the interest until the end, without disappointment.

I just want to ask your opinion of something. I have this fantasy of a woman performing oral sex on me, the fantasy is even better of 2 women on me. I have no desire to do anything to a woman and really feel as though, if I live out this fantasy, a man should be present to finish me off. I just don’t get the whole… break out the artificial penis thing, when you can have a real one attached to a warm hard body (no offense).

The question is, does this make me Bi-curious or do you think it’s normal for us to all have fantasies like this?

Am I curious or normal??

You are very normal, believe or not. A lot of women have had fantasies of being with another woman and it’s perfectly okay. If a woman tells you she’s never thought about sleeping with a woman, not even once, that heifer’s lying. Although it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, being with a woman is natural and beautiful. I’m not telling you try it, but if that curiosity is there, why not act on it? My advice is to try it with someone bi-curious so that you both can explore together and understand each other’s needs. Add a man to the mix if you like. It’s your thang, girl, do what you wanna do. Just be safe and have fun.

Q. Hi, I stumbled on your blog couple times in the past and I’ve enjoyed it. I am daring to take you on your offer. I’m not too sure my question/remarks might match what your offer intended, but anyway. I feel kind of pathetic knowing what I’m going to write and I was going to email you in private, but being I’m anon I figured what the heck.

Very Candid: I am a single black female, soon 30, single mom too. All my adult dating life, I’ve had an awful time with men relationship wise and I think I am now… what one would call “the bitter black woman”. Also, there don’t seem to have much options these days for single Black women, even if tries to leap out her race.

However, I have always considered myself straight and still do, but recently (this is where I might tick some people off for perpetrating with my curiosity) I was thinking what if I could be attracted to other women. I realize my want for companionship might be talking to me or I might be looking for “options” out of desperation and perhaps for the wrong reason. I can’t help but to entertain the idea in my head, secretly, even knowing I would have serious intimate insecurities being with another woman. *sigh*, I guess I’m just lonely and afraid, and really need to be touched and loved.

Ok… my point, can a considerably straight female fill “that” kind of void in a companion relationship with another woman who is Bi or a Lesbian?

Thanx for any understanding.

Okay, I’m gonna give it to you straight (pardon the pun). I’d rather you be with a woman because you’re curious, not out of desperation. Lesbians get tried by straight women a lot, and when you play with our emotions, we’re not too happy about it. You may find someone who’s willing to fill “that” kind of void for you, but if she wants something more, would you be ready for that? If not, it’s best to leave lesbian sistahs alone–unless you can find someone to be okay with that arrangement. My advice: wait for the right man to come along. I know it can be lonely, but you might be better off.

Q. What was your major in college?

I have a background in journalism, which is where my writing skills were honed. Although I’m not using my degree much now in the real world, it’s come in handy, though (ala this blog).

Q. Hi, I have been in the life since the summer of 05, and I have dated a few sisters, but have only been intimate twice. I want to know where I can meet a quality sista, who is not in the closet. I live in SC.

Also, what is the best type of dildo to use?

Quality women, hmmm…now that’s a doozy of a question. It’s one thing to find a warm body, but it’s another to find someone who is truly a good woman. The best thing I can tell you is to get yourself out there, whether it’s joining your town’s gay organization or going to nightclubs or finding an online lesbian group. That’s how you meet people, and whether or not you make a connection, you’ll get to know more people who could introduce you to other people. Women. Women who are worthy of your time. But really, it’s no one place you can meet a “quality” woman. Other than just having patience and being at the right place at the right time.

What kind of dildo you should use depends on what you prefer. Think about inch size, style and what accessories you’d like to go with it. For example, you may like an 8-9 incher, with a realistic feel and maybe a harness to go with it. I think most women want something enjoyable and large enough (but not too big) that will get the job done. It really just depends on your partner.

Q. If you like Lesbian porn and male gay porn does that mean you are just curious or undercover/in the closet gay?

It means you have a libido. Anyone can be turned on by viewing sexual images. Lesbians can be excited by straight porn and vice versa. It doesn’t mean much, but if that all you watch, and can’t get off any other way, maybe you need to explore why you’re watching it. Hmmmm?

Q. I am heterosexual and have grown up in W. Hollywood pretty much my whole life. I have no problems with anyone’s sexual orientation whatsoever. But there is one thing I’ve NEVER understood. If lesbian women like other women, why do some date or only go for the one’s that look like men? If they’re going to have sex with this woman and use a dildo, why not just be with a man? I’ve just never understood that. Why not embrace womanly features (breasts and hips, etc) instead of trying to downsize them to appear manly?

Why do lesbian women date manly women (who are called “studs” in our community)? Ironically, it’s the whole masculine vibe with a womanly twist. I am mostly attracted to studs because they possess a beautiful combination: the protector, dominant side with a soft body that can get me going. Yeah, it’s been asked of me plenty of times, “Why can’t you just be with a man?” But truly, it’s not the same. Though she’s a stud, she’s still has the emotional capacity of woman that a man just can’t emulate. And it’s not about the dildo; it’s about the woman that it’s attached to.

Q. Ever since I was younger (10-11), I have always focused more on female bodies than men’s. I’ve never had an actual girlfriend but I fantasize about it all the time. This is not to say that I don’t like men (I’m in a very good relationship and am very happy with one right now), but it seems like men just don’t “do it for me,” at least not sexually. Emotionally, I do have feelings for men but sexually I can only climax while thinking of a woman. I’ve also found myself having feelings for women a couple times before but never the girly types; it always seems to be the ones who dress like guys :). I’m very confused right now and have absolutely no idea what the hell my sexual orientation is lol. Its very stressful. Often I lay in bed at night and dream about being with women. My boyfriend knows this, but he doesn’t know quite how serious it is. I’m not sure if I’m lesbian, bi, surely not straight. I dont know what you’d call it. Any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks. {Submitted at my previous blog,}

Okay, from what you’re telling me is that you dream of being with woman, you can only climax when you think about a woman, and men just don’t do it for you. Chile, if it talks like a duck, walks like a duck and acts like a duck…guess what? It’s a duck. I may not be able to say whether you’re a lesbian, but you’re definitely not straight. The fact that you’ve always had this strong attraction means that you have more than just a curiosity about women. Now how to act on it is the question, because you are in a “happy relationship” with your boyfriend. However, the one good thing you have on your side is the fact he’s aware of you lesbian desires; therefore, to test out this theory, maybe you should have a threesome, one where it will allow you to experiement but still keep your boyfriend involved while you explore the pleasure of a woman. If you discover which one you like better, then you’ll know what your answer is. Other than that, I would say take some time apart from your man to figure out what’s best for you. Take your time and find that “stud” of your dreams.

Q. Hi, I’ve been with a girl for almost a year now. It’s my first lesbian relationship and I’m really really happy about it, and if you ask me I could spend the rest of my life with her.The problem is right now that I’ve got the impression that our sex life has become a bit monotonous…we used to have sex at least 4 times a week and now it’s maybe once a week. I don’t really have a problem with that, cause I guess she enjoys the sex the most, but I’ve got the feeling that she’s starting to get bored too. We usually do it ‘naturally’ and we also have a vibrator, which we don’t use much since it’s crap and hurts.We want to get a strap-on soon. Any other tips on how to improve our sex life? Also, there’s another problem. I never orgasmed with her, nor did I ever with my previous boyfriends. Sometimes it’s even hard to climax when I’m doing it myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, since my girlfriend always climaxes when we have sex. Any ideas what i could do about that? Thanks.

There’s a few issues going on here, but I’ll attempt to answer them all. 🙂

The first thing I would say is you need to talk to your girlfriend. It may be that your sex is slowing down, but I would talk with your girlfriend to find out just how “monotonous” it is. She can also tell you what things she’d like to have. Strap-ons are always fun. They add a little more flavor, and shopping for it is half the thrill. Lebron and I spent the better part of an hour perusing and discussing the merits of several models, whether one had enough length and girth, how realistic we wanted it, etc. It’s something every lesbian couple should share.

But the biggest issue I see is that you’re not able to climax. Girl, I don’t know how you’re able to share something so intimate and not be able to have a release. It could be something psychological going on. Get in touch with you head and think about what turns you on the most, from oral sex to erotic massage to penetration. What, if anything, has had you more turned on? Ponder on those things, and add them to your sex life, even if it’s something you’ve never tried before. That might help you spice up things in the bedroom. Try lots of things: role play, different locations, etc.The most important ingredient to good sex: communication. Congrats on finding the one!

Q. What is safe lesbian sex? Or rather, unsafe lesbian sex? How unsafe can it get?

Safe lesbian sex is basically anything you do during sex to prevent a sexually transmitted disease (STD). It can include using a dental dam during oral sex to using condoms while having intercourse with a strap-on, anything you do to protect yourself. Being safe is always the best option. Anything unsafe could be not using protection while engaging in any sexual activity, even oral. Cause in the famous words of Forest Gump, “You never know what you’re gonna get.” If there are open sores or cuts in the mouth or vagina, there is a chance for transmission of diseases. While studies have shown that the transmission of HIV has been found to be less likely between female lovers, it’s always a good idea to be cautious anyway.

Q. I’m in my late 30’s and I have a huge crush on a girl I see every week at a local dance club. I’m not even sure she knows that I exist. And I’ve never felt like this about a woman before.

First let me say that this isn’t completely out of the blue….my first sexual experiences were with girls, and I’ve always fantasized about women.  I just have never had the nerve to do anything about it, and as a result, I’ve never had a female lover as an adult.  Which, if I’m completely honest, makes this a little scary too.

I’m pretty confident (from seeing her and watching her with her friends) that she’s into girls.  But I have no reason to be sure, and never having been with a woman before (and being desperately hot for her) I’m not sure I can trust my instincts.  So this is where the fun begins…

All I know is that whenever she’s near me on the dance floor, my mind races, my heart beats faster and I swear I can feel the heat of her skin next to me. Whenever I happen to catch her gaze across the room, her piercing brown eyes make my knees melt.

I’m fully aware at this point that this is purely a physical attraction, since I really don’t even know her yet. But I haven’t felt this way about anyone in years and it isn’t going away.  This feeling has been going on for months, and now I can’t stop thinking about how I might be able to find out if she’s interested.  (Besides, I can’t stop looking at her…and pretty soon she’s going to start thinking I’m a little nuts, which is most certainly NOT what I want!)

So far, I’ve failed miserably as a result of my fear and uncertainty. I’m in totally unfamiliar territory with no GPS and no map. I’ve been too afraid to approach her to even talk to her (since she’s always either on the dance floor, or with a group of friends and having an audience doesn’t make this any easier.) I’m hoping that, with your advice, I can get up the courage to actually do something instead of watching from a distance every week.

How do I even begin to get her attention and try to get to know her without making a complete ass out of myself?  Even if I can find a way to find her alone, is there any safe way to find out if she’s interested without actually asking her out? (If she’s straight, we’re both going to be embarrassed and I see her there every week!)

Please help-

The only way you’re going to know if she’s interested is to simply approach her and say hi. Find a time when she’s alone, if you can, and strike up a conversation, albeit an innocent one. Don’t begin by telling her how much you dig her and don’t ask her out yet. Just let it flow and watch her cues. That will tell you how interested she is. A smile will get you a long way, or a certain glance could clue you in. Or dance close to her (not too close) and smile. If she seems offstandish or gives you the cold shoulder, get the heck out of there. You don’t mention whether this is a gay or straight club, but don’t worry about seeing her every week; sit out a week or two and go back. Chances are she will have probably forgotten all about it or will avoid you, worst case scenario.


13 thoughts on “Ask a Lesbian Anything

  1. I know that there are some people out there who do not support their lesbian family members, but when they do, why would the lesbian’s partner be hateful to them? My mother’s partner is the most abusive woman I have ever met in my life – much more jealous and controlling than the overly jealous and controlling man that I divorced a couple of years ago. I’ve never done a thing to her either (other than be kind, of course). I am not another woman. I am my mother’s daughter, so there is no need for her to behave this way toward me, but this is not the only case that I’m aware of. Why would a lesbian feel threatened by the relationship that exists between her partner and her partner’s child (or grandchild for that matter – she hates my son, too)?

  2. Hi there!

    Hope you do read this and are chatting again and things are good in your world! I gots a problem or many really … I have been with my gorgeous girl for 4 years now and we have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 2 yrs old. The problem is we had an intense sexual passion for each other right up until my girlfriend was about 3 months pregnant, since then she felt weird having sex, since giving birth we literally dont have sex any more and she made me feel bad about even touching her. It has casued a lot of problems and we are now thinking of splitting up. The serious problem is that we both still love each other and she tells me she doesnt want to be without me! I dont know if you can help me, I dont think its a case of lesbian bed death, I think its psychological to do with having a baby but I dont want to lose her either. I’m 38 now and its taken a lifetime to have my dream of a family!

  3. Okay, here are my questions… I am in my 40s and recently developed a crush on a female coworker. When I told her how I felt, she rejected me. Shot down on my first try. Ouch.

    So most of my life I thought I was only into men, but I was also raised in a repressive religion and then chose to become part of another even more oppressive religion in college and beyond. Therefore, no “experimentation” in my 20s/30s. Whether it’s hormones, aging, or god knows what, I am finding my attractions broadening across gender lines.

    I’ve been doing alot of internet research recently, have taken the Klein grid, etc. and have tentatively determined I am more or less a 1-2 or heteroflexible. I can’t commit to “bisexual” because that implies 50-50 and I know I am not that ratio. More like 85-15.

    I have NO hands on experience with women. Since I began this “awakening” a year or so ago, I’ve come to realize I’ve had passing crushes on women over the years that I never pursued because it was strictly verboten in my circle and also because I didn’t have to. I had other options.

    I remember blushing at 6 because I really wanted to go see The Carpenters live and it wasn’t because of Richard. Then again I also had a crush on Andy Williams at the same age.

    Anyway, the more I’m learning about and immersing myself in queer culture (and I have been) the more I’m observing a bias against bisexuals. It’s like everyone is pressuring us to pick a team. I don’t know if you watch “Glee” but this issue just came up on last week’s episode when Kurt’s new crush enjoyed kissing a girl and was treated like a traitor for it.

    So here are my questions:

    1. Are women as superficial as men? I was looking forward to not being judged by looks by this coworker of mine and it turns out she’s just as superficial if not more than some of the men I’ve dealt with.

    2. Does a slightly bisexual woman have any chance at all with a lesbian? Or will they write me off because I also like men. Should I even make an effort to meet somebody else?

    3. I’ve also realized during the past couple of years that I’m polyamorous and I was shocked to find that there seem to be few lesbians who are not strict monogamists. I would’ve thought the LGBT community would be pioneers of challenging the social construct of lifelong monogamy. What’s up with that?

    Thanks for taking the time to read my story and questions. I am sincerely seeking answers and I look forward to hearing what you have to say.

  4. Please help me, I’m definitely curious when it comes to sex, I’m not afraid to find out if I’m a lesbian. I just flat out don’t know, and I’m scared and confused because I don’t know. I don’t like guys when it comes to sex and for the longest time I thought I was just not sexually oriented till I watched this one movie with a friend of mine called Five Girls and got turned on by the romance in one part (it was lesbian). But despite everything I still like to hang out with guys and have a good deal of them for friends. Also I’m not sure because whenever I think of love, or come up with a story to amuse myself in my head, or even think of going out with someone it’s usually about a guy. This seriously confuses me. And to top it all off I cant exactly find out or experiment. I only know one girl (same friend as above) who’s close to lesbian and shes bi and dating a dude, so even though shed be willing she can’t help me. Which sucks because I really like her and shes dating an awful guy who’s cheated on her and gone to jail, although she said shes only doing it to get revenge, but I don’t see that happening. I’m really happy for her and would never get in her way, but he just doesn’t deserve her. And getting back on subject, I’m worried that the friends I recently made will reject or withdraw from me, and I always hear girls in the locker room talking about how akward and awful and disgusting it is when they find out someones a lesbian. Oh sure they’re perfectly accepting of the local gays (men) and always befriend them, but god forbid your a GIRL who feels that way. This is seriously embarrassing for me to open up like this so please don’t hate and help if possible.

  5. Hey I’m having some trouble in my sex life with my partner. I’ve been with a few other people and never came close to an orgasm till I met her. With her I’m all into it yet I still don’t unless I do it myself. I don’t know if there’s anything wrong with me or what. It’s effecting our relationship though, shes starting to feel worthless like she doesn’t satisfy me and my needs. I’m not sure what to do.

  6. great website! I have a question that no1 seems to be able to help me with. The thing is that I am married with a sweet man and we are happy together. I have told him that I’m bi (never been with a woman though) and he has encouraged me to act on that side and explore. Ok. There is this woman.. She is my private teacher in music and we see each other once a week. The reason I have started thinking about her a lot lately is that she has given me.. Signals I guess.. Long looks in the eye and other parts of my body. I can actually feel her eyecontact On my breasts and hips! She smiles all the time. Compliments me in every chance possible. I have been so confused about this that I’ve tried to ignore it. She kind of stopped for a moment. Last spring I gave her a card where I thanked her for the past year and told her how much I appreciate her as a teacher and the fact that I have had the privilege to get to know her and be taught by her. She didn’t read the card there and then,but once we met few days later in a concert where I was performing,she came to talk to me and seemed to be a bit edgy. She said “when someone says this kind of thing to me, I take It seriously. So, I hope you ment It.” I smiled to her because I had no idea why she was so anxious. Summer break next. We met after 2 months and she gave me a big,long hug. Still flirty and confused me. After this she has hugged me every time we met and last time didn’ t want to let go. I kept thinking What a long hug this is and just hugged her back. So. Are there signs she might be into me? Anyone? I have gayfriends who can’t or won’t help me and I try to find opinion else where. What should I do? How should I act with her? I am totally confused about these feelings I’m having. I like her a lot. She is beautiful and really attractive lady and I know she considers me as a friend as I do too. Help me please!

  7. Hi i have been in a relationship for 7 years and now i am starting feel like i want some freedom don’t get me wrong i love her but we spend all our time together and it’s getting annoying which i have told that everyone need me time…can really use some ideas on how to deal with this because i do want the relationship

  8. Hi. Well ima stud and have a beautiful girlfriend age 25 and im 22·. We have been together almost 2 yrs n she has 2 boys that really love me. We have been going threw a thing where agruments turn into fights but no 1s cheating. We love eachother but we r tired and we tried breaks but we end up missing eachother so it makes it hatd to stay away. She thinks i cheat but i dnt its alot of insecurity in her her past relationships. I love this women with my heart i no she loves me to but i cant seem to get this shit right.i need advice or maybe just to vent. Idk. Sgs has dreams that i sleep with people she knows n gets mad at me for it im yhe blame for eeverything

  9. Hi I have had a seriuos attraction to a straight friend for 10 years..she finally out of no where asked me to be w her in sexual way fo I handle this she it can be a memory for her

  10. i have been interested in girls for along time i am lesbian. ive only had one serious girlfriend and she broke my heart. the other girls ive been with were strictly sex but i want a woman to spend my life with.

  11. i am a lesbian i have been for a long time. i havehad one serious girlfriend and she broke my heart and all the other woman ive been with were strictly sex. i want woman to spend my life with but how do i find her?

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