Ask a Lesbian Anything

I started this page, when I asked if there was anything you ever wanted to know about dealing with lesbian/gay issues, sex or relationships. I’m posting the questions anonymously, so check back here for my responses. Like I said, I’m not an expert or anything, and of course I don’t speak for everyone in the gay community, but I can try my best to answer honestly.

Q. I just came across your site a few days ago. First let me say that I love your writing style. You have a unique way to draw in the reader and pique the interest until the end, without disappointment.

I just want to ask your opinion of something. I have this fantasy of a woman performing oral sex on me, the fantasy is even better of 2 women on me. I have no desire to do anything to a woman and really feel as though, if I live out this fantasy, a man should be present to finish me off. I just don’t get the whole… break out the artificial penis thing, when you can have a real one attached to a warm hard body (no offense).

The question is, does this make me Bi-curious or do you think it’s normal for us to all have fantasies like this?

Am I curious or normal??

A. You are very normal, believe or not. A lot of women have had fantasies of being with another woman and it’s perfectly okay. If a woman tells you she’s never thought about sleeping with a woman, not even once, that heifer’s lying. Although it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, being with a woman is natural and beautiful. I’m not telling you try it, but if that curiosity is there, why not act on it? My advice is to try it with someone bi-curious so that you both can explore together and understand each other’s needs. Add a man to the mix if you like. It’s your thang, girl, do what you wanna do. Just be safe and have fun.

Q. Hi, I stumbled on your blog couple times in the past and I’ve enjoyed it. I am daring to take you on your offer. I’m not too sure my question/remarks might match what your offer intended, but anyway. I feel kind of pathetic knowing what I’m going to write and I was going to email you in private, but being I’m anon I figured what the heck.

Very Candid: I am a single black female, soon 30, single mom too. All my adult dating life, I’ve had an awful time with men relationship wise and I think I am now… what one would call “the bitter black woman”. Also, there don’t seem to have much options these days for single Black women, even if tries to leap out her race.

However, I have always considered myself straight and still do, but recently (this is where I might tick some people off for perpetrating with my curiosity) I was thinking what if I could be attracted to other women. I realize my want for companionship might be talking to me or I might be looking for “options” out of desperation and perhaps for the wrong reason. I can’t help but to entertain the idea in my head, secretly, even knowing I would have serious intimate insecurities being with another woman. *sigh*, I guess I’m just lonely and afraid, and really need to be touched and loved.

Ok… my point, can a considerably straight female fill “that” kind of void in a companion relationship with another woman who is Bi or a Lesbian?

Thanx for any understanding.

A. Okay, I’m gonna give it to you straight (pardon the pun). I’d rather you be with a woman because you’re curious, not out of desperation. Lesbians get tried by straight women a lot, and when you play with our emotions, we’re not too happy about it. You may find someone who’s willing to fill “that” kind of void for you, but if she wants something more, would you be ready for that? If not, it’s best to leave lesbian sistahs alone–unless you can find someone to be okay with that arrangement. My advice: wait for the right man to come along. I know it can be lonely, but you might be better off.

Q. What was your major in college?

I have a background in journalism, which is where my writing skills were honed. Although I’m not using my degree much now in the real world, it’s come in handy, though (ala this blog).

Q. Hi, I have been in the life since the summer of 05, and I have dated a few sisters, but have only been intimate twice. I want to know where I can meet a quality sista, who is not in the closet. I live in SC.

Also, what is the best type of dildo to use?

Quality women, hmmm…now that’s a doozy of a question. It’s one thing to find a warm body, but it’s another to find someone who is truly a good woman. The best thing I can tell you is to get yourself out there, whether it’s joining your town’s gay organization or going to nightclubs or finding an online lesbian group. That’s how you meet people, and whether or not you make a connection, you’ll get to know more people who could introduce you to other people. Women. Women who are worthy of your time. But really, it’s no one place you can meet a “quality” woman. Other than just having patience and being at the right place at the right time.

What kind of dildo you should use depends on what you prefer. Think about inch size, style and what accessories you’d like to go with it. For example, you may like an 8-9 incher, with a realistic feel and maybe a harness to go with it. I think most women want something enjoyable and large enough (but not too big) that will get the job done. It really just depends on your partner.

Q. If you like Lesbian porn and male gay porn does that mean you are just curious or undercover/in the closet gay?

It means you have a libido. Anyone can be turned on by viewing sexual images. Lesbians can be excited by straight porn and vice versa. It doesn’t mean much, but if that all you watch, and can’t get off any other way, maybe you need to explore why you’re watching it. Hmmmm?

Q. I am heterosexual and have grown up in W. Hollywood pretty much my whole life. I have no problems with anyone’s sexual orientation whatsoever. But there is one thing I’ve NEVER understood. If lesbian women like other women, why do some date or only go for the one’s that look like men? If they’re going to have sex with this woman and use a dildo, why not just be with a man? I’ve just never understood that. Why not embrace womanly features (breasts and hips, etc) instead of trying to downsize them to appear manly?

Why do lesbian women date manly women (who are called “studs” in our community)? Ironically, it’s the whole masculine vibe with a womanly twist. I am mostly attracted to studs because they possess a beautiful combination: the protector, dominant side with a soft body that can get me going. Yeah, it’s been asked of me plenty of times, “Why can’t you just be with a man?” But truly, it’s not the same. Though she’s a stud, she’s still has the emotional capacity of woman that a man just can’t emulate. And it’s not about the dildo; it’s about the woman that it’s attached to.

Q. Ever since I was younger (10-11), I have always focused more on female bodies than men’s. I’ve never had an actual girlfriend but I fantasize about it all the time. This is not to say that I don’t like men (I’m in a very good relationship and am very happy with one right now), but it seems like men just don’t “do it for me,” at least not sexually. Emotionally, I do have feelings for men but sexually I can only climax while thinking of a woman. I’ve also found myself having feelings for women a couple times before but never the girly types; it always seems to be the ones who dress like guys :). I’m very confused right now and have absolutely no idea what the hell my sexual orientation is lol. Its very stressful. Often I lay in bed at night and dream about being with women. My boyfriend knows this, but he doesn’t know quite how serious it is. I’m not sure if I’m lesbian, bi, surely not straight. I dont know what you’d call it. Any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks. {Submitted at my previous blog,}

A. Okay, from what you’re telling me is that you dream of being with woman, you can only climax when you think about a woman, and men just don’t do it for you. Chile, if it talks like a duck, walks like a duck and acts like a duck…guess what? It’s a duck. I may not be able to say whether you’re a lesbian, but you’re definitely not straight. The fact that you’ve always had this strong attraction means that you have more than just a curiosity about women. Now how to act on it is the question, because you are in a “happy relationship” with your boyfriend. However, the one good thing you have on your side is the fact he’s aware of you lesbian desires; therefore, to test out this theory, maybe you should have a threesome, one where it will allow you to experiement but still keep your boyfriend involved while you explore the pleasure of a woman. If you discover which one you like better, then you’ll know what your answer is. Other than that, I would say take some time apart from your man to figure out what’s best for you. Take your time and find that “stud” of your dreams.


Deepdiva Update

Judging by the lack of comments around here, I guess there’s been a little love lost. But I’ve been trying to take care of situations on my end that require me to be away from the computer more than I want to. Here’s a little sample of what’s been going down:


Apartment Search: Well, I found one. Surprisingly, one I really like. And it wasn’t even my first choice. It was actually one on the bottom of my list. But when I took a look at it, it immediately felt like home. Oh, except for the very large cockroach staring at me on the sink counter (apparently they just got through spraying for bugs that morning; I haven’t seen another one since, by the way). Despite the auspicious meeting, I love my two bedroom, one bath haven. If  I could only find time to get it in order, which leads to…

Sister’s operation: I had just moved, was finally feeling good about getting my house together, and I find my sister is in the emergency room with excruciating pains. After much discussion and attempts to find a cheap flight in less than 24 hours, now I had to now pack a bag and prepare to take a last-minute flight. It’s all good, cause my sister is out now and doing a whole lot better. It was worth it to be around her especially since I see her twice a year. She made it through with flying colors and is home resting comfortable. I’m on my way back home tomorrow. What really helped through this time was…

My friends: I must say, my peeps came through for me. While I was waiting for the plane to take off, I sent a mass text message explaining that I was leaving at the last minute. Within seconds of that message, one of them was calling. The others sent messages back, saying we were in their prayers. I’m glad because as soon as I got to my layover in Atlanta, I found out my sister had to have emergency surgery. Their calls this weekend meant a lot. Another person that meant a lot, of course…

LeBron: We’re still plugging along. As a matter of fact we’re celebrating our seven-month anniversary.  The relationship has its issues but none is perfect. With my apartment issue settled, things have been a lot easier. It’s just hard being without her. Except for my sister’s illness and her dealing with her own family issues, things are straight. It’s just a matter of trying to balance our time and figuring out where we’re headed. In due time, everything will become clear.

Other than that, life is still divalicious. I’m getting ready to take my nephew for a walk later.

Yes, life is truly divalicious.

The Soul of Deepdiva

Yahoo! Avatars

Me? Well I’m just simple kinda gal with her own thoughts about the world. I’m also a woman who loves herself too much to follow anyone else’s standards. I’m coming to terms with being myself with no qualms. I try to be honest and compassionate at the same time. I can be goofy, moody and downright sweet depending on what time of day it is.


* Being myself

* Black lesbians

* Reading

* Writing

* Traveling

* Chillin with friends

* People watching

* A good book

* Baking (it relaxes me…)

* A long, deep kiss

* Sleeping in

* Mama’s fried chicken

* Music with passion

* Scrabble

* Singing and/or thinking in the shower (get my best ideas there)

* People who get me

* Spooning

* People who tell the truth…