Ask a Lesbian Anything

I started this page, when I asked if there was anything you ever wanted to know about dealing with lesbian/gay issues, sex or relationships. I’m posting the questions anonymously, so check back here for my responses. Like I said, I’m not an expert or anything, and of course I don’t speak for everyone in the gay community, but I can try my best to answer honestly.

Q. I just came across your site a few days ago. First let me say that I love your writing style. You have a unique way to draw in the reader and pique the interest until the end, without disappointment.

I just want to ask your opinion of something. I have this fantasy of a woman performing oral sex on me, the fantasy is even better of 2 women on me. I have no desire to do anything to a woman and really feel as though, if I live out this fantasy, a man should be present to finish me off. I just don’t get the whole… break out the artificial penis thing, when you can have a real one attached to a warm hard body (no offense).

The question is, does this make me Bi-curious or do you think it’s normal for us to all have fantasies like this?

Am I curious or normal??

A. You are very normal, believe or not. A lot of women have had fantasies of being with another woman and it’s perfectly okay. If a woman tells you she’s never thought about sleeping with a woman, not even once, that heifer’s lying. Although it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, being with a woman is natural and beautiful. I’m not telling you try it, but if that curiosity is there, why not act on it? My advice is to try it with someone bi-curious so that you both can explore together and understand each other’s needs. Add a man to the mix if you like. It’s your thang, girl, do what you wanna do. Just be safe and have fun.

Q. Hi, I stumbled on your blog couple times in the past and I’ve enjoyed it. I am daring to take you on your offer. I’m not too sure my question/remarks might match what your offer intended, but anyway. I feel kind of pathetic knowing what I’m going to write and I was going to email you in private, but being I’m anon I figured what the heck.

Very Candid: I am a single black female, soon 30, single mom too. All my adult dating life, I’ve had an awful time with men relationship wise and I think I am now… what one would call “the bitter black woman”. Also, there don’t seem to have much options these days for single Black women, even if tries to leap out her race.

However, I have always considered myself straight and still do, but recently (this is where I might tick some people off for perpetrating with my curiosity) I was thinking what if I could be attracted to other women. I realize my want for companionship might be talking to me or I might be looking for “options” out of desperation and perhaps for the wrong reason. I can’t help but to entertain the idea in my head, secretly, even knowing I would have serious intimate insecurities being with another woman. *sigh*, I guess I’m just lonely and afraid, and really need to be touched and loved.

Ok… my point, can a considerably straight female fill “that” kind of void in a companion relationship with another woman who is Bi or a Lesbian?

Thanx for any understanding.

A. Okay, I’m gonna give it to you straight (pardon the pun). I’d rather you be with a woman because you’re curious, not out of desperation. Lesbians get tried by straight women a lot, and when you play with our emotions, we’re not too happy about it. You may find someone who’s willing to fill “that” kind of void for you, but if she wants something more, would you be ready for that? If not, it’s best to leave lesbian sistahs alone–unless you can find someone to be okay with that arrangement. My advice: wait for the right man to come along. I know it can be lonely, but you might be better off.

Q. What was your major in college?

I have a background in journalism, which is where my writing skills were honed. Although I’m not using my degree much now in the real world, it’s come in handy, though (ala this blog).

Q. Hi, I have been in the life since the summer of 05, and I have dated a few sisters, but have only been intimate twice. I want to know where I can meet a quality sista, who is not in the closet. I live in SC.

Also, what is the best type of dildo to use?

Quality women, hmmm…now that’s a doozy of a question. It’s one thing to find a warm body, but it’s another to find someone who is truly a good woman. The best thing I can tell you is to get yourself out there, whether it’s joining your town’s gay organization or going to nightclubs or finding an online lesbian group. That’s how you meet people, and whether or not you make a connection, you’ll get to know more people who could introduce you to other people. Women. Women who are worthy of your time. But really, it’s no one place you can meet a “quality” woman. Other than just having patience and being at the right place at the right time.

What kind of dildo you should use depends on what you prefer. Think about inch size, style and what accessories you’d like to go with it. For example, you may like an 8-9 incher, with a realistic feel and maybe a harness to go with it. I think most women want something enjoyable and large enough (but not too big) that will get the job done. It really just depends on your partner.

Q. If you like Lesbian porn and male gay porn does that mean you are just curious or undercover/in the closet gay?

It means you have a libido. Anyone can be turned on by viewing sexual images. Lesbians can be excited by straight porn and vice versa. It doesn’t mean much, but if that all you watch, and can’t get off any other way, maybe you need to explore why you’re watching it. Hmmmm?

Q. I am heterosexual and have grown up in W. Hollywood pretty much my whole life. I have no problems with anyone’s sexual orientation whatsoever. But there is one thing I’ve NEVER understood. If lesbian women like other women, why do some date or only go for the one’s that look like men? If they’re going to have sex with this woman and use a dildo, why not just be with a man? I’ve just never understood that. Why not embrace womanly features (breasts and hips, etc) instead of trying to downsize them to appear manly?

Why do lesbian women date manly women (who are called “studs” in our community)? Ironically, it’s the whole masculine vibe with a womanly twist. I am mostly attracted to studs because they possess a beautiful combination: the protector, dominant side with a soft body that can get me going. Yeah, it’s been asked of me plenty of times, “Why can’t you just be with a man?” But truly, it’s not the same. Though she’s a stud, she’s still has the emotional capacity of woman that a man just can’t emulate. And it’s not about the dildo; it’s about the woman that it’s attached to.

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Ask Me Anything!?

questionmark.jpgYes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m giving away my secrets.

Not all of them, mind you, but I’ve decided to open up a dialogue. One that might just lead to understanding and tolerance. In this life, that’s all we can ask for.

Here’s the deal: you can ask me questions about almost anything, whether dealing with lesbian/gay issues, sex or relationships, and will post my answers on this blog. Step right up and ask whatever it is you’ve always wanted to know (nothing too personal, I hope). I’m not an expert or anything, and of course I don’t speak for everyone in the gay community, but I can try my best to answer honestly.

Either post your question as a comment (you can be anonymous) or email it offsite to my address at the top of this blog.

I would love to hear from you.

Don’t be shy.

Questions and answers are under the “Ask A Lesbian Anything” tab at the top of the page.

"I Know, I’m Kvelling"

love.PNGA sweet kiss on the forehead. A bouquet of flowers just because. A confession of love with words like “I’ve never felt this way before.”

It’s enough to make your breath stop and have your heart “kvelling” (re: my favorite Clueless reference). Sweet nothings that mean everything are what love is about, romance with passion that makes you swoon with butterflies.

But it seems like nowadays those kinds of sweet sentiments are long gone. It’s considered archaic to tell someone you love them and mean it. It’s old-fashioned to ask someone to be your girlfriend. And eyes are raised if you don’t have sex with your partner within the first month of meeting her.

Blame on society, so be it. We’re a sexualized culture, full of relationships that go nowhere and people who trade partners faster than a new issue of People magazine can hit newsstands.

So when a new crush appears in your life, romancing you and wanting to actually court instead of fuck, why does it baffle us? Why can’t someone genuinely want to tell how she’s feeling—and mean it? Why do we always wait on the other shoe to drop when things are going oh-so-good?

So here’s my million-dollar, Carrie Bradshaw question: Do we not expect romance anymore?

With men and studs alike, women hope for the best but expect the worse. It’s like we wait for the opportunity when our lover will screw us over and we can say, “I knew he wasn’t no good!” And sometimes we go so far as to sabotage our relationship just because things are going a little too well.

I’m trying to just take things slow and truly enjoy the ride with my new stud, who for this blog will be named Lebron.

In the continuing saga of what’s dubbed “my new relationship,” things are interesting. Interesting because Lebron and I are still in the honeymoon stage. You know, that period where we’re trying to figure out pet names and every phone call lasts about 3 hours or more.

What I’ve found is that this time can be wonderful, a moment of discovery. But it can also be scary. Who wants to know that the woman (or man) who wined and dined you for a straight month is really broke and was using his whole check to take you out to T.G.I. Friday’s? And do you really want to know that she has a crazy ex girlfriend still in the picture–one who doesn’t take no for an answer?

I’ve found that Lebron has some habits I can live with, cause who’s perfect? No one. And I’m sure that my slight aggressive femme personality is a source of contention between us sometimes, as she’s stubborn as well.

When we go into a relationship, everyone brings their own baggage–some a small carry-on; others have steamer trunks. It’s just a matter of how much of that bullshit we’re going to let affect our relationship. Trust and honesty are two of the most important ingredients to a blossoming romance, and I prefer to get everything out in the open in the beginning. Even if it means I look like an ass or she doesn’t appear as perfect as she once claimed to be.

Cause I would hate to fall in love with someone who wasn’t even themselves to begin with.