Lesbian Politics 101

blacklesbianloveWho’s the stud? Who’s the femme? Who’s on top? Who’s wearing the dildo? Who’s dominant and who’s submissive? Am I an aggressive femme or a soft stud? Why can’t we be friends? And why are we still friends, even after our horrible breakup?

The sexual politics of lesbians can be quite complicated. A woman is a complex creature; a bundle of insecurities and desires and emotions that make the bond between two women all the more heightened.

Take for instance the courtship of lesbians (if one can call moving in after one date a courtship). I go into the first telephone call with a potential love interest imagining what she looks like. And where we’ll end up. From our initial conversation I can tell if she’s right for me, and if it’s a really good convo, I’m thinking what the sex with her will be like. Will she be an attentive lover or one who has so much braggadocio but can’t back it up in the sack?

Then it’s the first public meeting. In my mind I’ve already assessed what I believe she’ll look like: a muscular stud with the softness of a woman.

And my perceptions never quite match what’s standing before me.

She’s cute, yes, but a little darker than I expected. She told me her hair was dark blonde, but hell, that’s platinum blonde. She said she was 5’8’’…more like 5’3’’. Oooh, tattoos.

Then the date. We pick somewhere neutral, like a movie theatre or a restaurant or the nearest bookstore. From there we figure out whether this should go any further. It does, and we simply get to know each other. But then it gets tricky.

Who should pay? Should we go Dutch? I really want the big ole lobster, but for tonight I’ll only get a Caesar salad not to look too greedy.

Then the end of the night. To kiss or not to kiss. What the hell am I saying? We’re lesbians; of course we’re gonna twine our tongues together. At this point it’s simply a matter of how far down the kisses are going or who’s place it’s gonna be.

And even that can be chaotic. Learning each other’s sexual roles and behaviors come into play.

I’m a bottom who likes to be on top sometimes. She’s a stud who doesn’t like receiving oral, but I’m a femme dying to taste her sweet nectar. I like penetration—but vaginal ONLY. She likes her nipples to be bitten or pinched but never licked. I’m a pillow princess but don’t mind trying your ass up and taking control of you every now and then. Toys are definitely ok, but use condoms please.

Tomorrow, we’re a couple. Exclusivity. You’re mine and I’m yours.

By a few months (or weeks), it’s deciding whose stuff goes where in the apartment.

And then, it comes a point where you need your space. Or she’s chatting on the computer a little too much. Or you discover she’s suddenly very chatty with her ex, the one who used to be your best friend until two you drifted apart, but now she’s dating another member in your circle of lesbians.

Then there’s the unmingling of your things after realizing it just ain’t working out. But that doesn’t mean she disappears. She’s still in your circle, the one that doesn’t break unless by death. And even though she’s broken up about the breakup, it doesn’t mean you don’t still sleep together every now and then.

Yes, the politics are very complicated.

So let’s backtrack. Let’s say the date went just okay, but it’s just enough attraction there for us to sleep together. Maybe more but not tonight. It’s simply acting on a feeling that we’re both feeling. However, we’re talking about two red-blooded females here, a pair of complicated creatures, like I said. And everyone knows that two women engaging in a sexual act isn’t simply an act. For one or both of you, it’s more. Maybe not love, but more than just sex. And once the oxytocin is released, you can forget trying to stop that loving feeling.

Then there’s the blowing up of the phone. One of you wants more than just a cum-filled night; the other simply wants to remain cool and see each other occasionally. Words are exchanged; feelings get hurt. Two emotional beings trying to find a place for each other when you both have different expectations of one another.

Yes, the politics are very complicated.

However the love of a woman is something I would never give up on. Cause when it’s right, it’s so right.

By the way, some incriminating details have been slightly altered to protect the not-so-innocent (preferably me). 😉

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16 thoughts on “Lesbian Politics 101

  1. Wow! Great post, women are complicated creatures which make being one an loving one challenging to say the least! Now let me go take a cold shower 🙂

  2. You make me yearn for the street version of the L word for sistas in the ‘hood. Then again it would need to be a very tight script. That would be very insightful.

    Sidebar: Sexual politics of lesbian – oh there are a few PhD students in this field of study… But why is it everyone is so committed to sharing sexual interactions with each other? That is why we have minds, literature, music etc. Folks are stuck on da seventh chakra.

  3. @ Hopluv: that made you want to take a cold shower, huh? Yeah it gets to me too.

    @ Shebamm777: I wish there a sistah version of The L Word too. It would be so off the chain. Cause as much as I love The L Word, it’s a little too vanilla for me–but it’s good that we’re represented on TV.
    P.S. Sex is not the only thing lesbians are concerned with; I’d like to think our connections go a little deeper.

  4. Yeah- I dig the wonderful Pam G.Flashdance baby is cute but they need an infusion of coco curious lesbianism. Queen Latifha? Mc Lyte? Jada?

    Really now… on the sex tip imagine on… most sistas are caught up. Sexual energy is powerful and most of us caint manage it. I feel that is all we think it is about. Nothing is wrong with sexual energy. But I am really focused on its context. Today, that is all we are told we are capable of – from religion to politics. Particularly modern day sista lesbians. They do not see themselves in the context of history or the struggle to re-emerge as complete and whole beings.(The last 500 hundred years have been a trip). The genius of our being is that we have multiplicities- we are complex. The science of the female is suppressed due to the power of creation. The female is not one dimensional – but mainstream society has us eating out of this feedbag of (lets say) shit; having us thinking that a we are what lies between our legs. Yet the best and the brightest know the truth – it is what is between the ears and behind the eyes. It’s all about the brain baby.

  5. Well, you just took me back a minute. Very accurate description of the ins and outs of lesbian dating.

    …it DID just get a lil’ warm in here.

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