Like Wearing a White Skirt on the First Day of Your Period

Why, does it seem, just when you get excited about something, the inevitable happens?

This is my inevitable story. Like to hear it? Here it goes.

Okay, I’m leaving work yesterday, feeling happy about the weekend. I’m going to see Ms. M tonight, I found out I have a little more in my checking account than I originally thought, and next week I’m taking two days off for vacation. Lovely. Nothing could fuck this up.

Until my car decides it doesn’t want to crank.

It hesitates a little, but then I makes the sound I want to hear. The ignition is on, and I’m no worried. Maybe it’s just a little glitch. No big deal.

Then I go home to get ready for tonight. Take a little nap. Wake up. Take a shower. Put on my smell goods. Jump in my ride. And it’s making a sound.

A bad sound. Like a “click-click-click.” Then it turns on.

So I cranks it again to see if it’s what I think it is or to see if it does it again. It does. But it manages to stay cranked. But I’m pissed. Cause I think it’s my starter. Or my battery.

And if it is, I’m not going to ATL Black Pride next week. It wouldn’t be prudent for me to go, knowing I have to get my car fixed and trying to take a pleasure trip. As you know, from my very first blog, I was truly looking forward to being around my “family.” It would have been my first ATL Pride, and I knew so many sistahs and brothas would be there. *Sigh*

But now it’s time for me to pick up the phone and get estimates.

In the immortal words of crackhead Whitney, “Awww hell to da naww!!”

Hanna-Barbera: That’s My Dawg!!

Something had me strolling down memory lane today after my morning shower.

For some reason, Jabberjaw came to mind. Yeah, that’s right, the talking shark who played the drums and solved crimes with his human friends. What made me think of him, I don’t know.

That was just one of a hundred cartoons that I saw on the Cartoon Express. Many a weekday evening, when I was supposed to be doing homework, I would plop down for a ride on the Cartoon Express. The USA Network cartoon block was a staple in my 1980’s childhood. I mean, I literally grew up watching this 3-hour marathon of such great animated shows by the empire known as Hanna-Barbera. He provided me with hours of laughter and goofy show ideas that ranged from a karate-wielding dog to afroed bears forever trying to escape from the zoo.

*Sigh*, nostalgia! Who can forget these characters? I know I can’t. So here’s a list of 20 Cartoon Express cartoons, in order, from my least to my favorite.

20. The Biskitts: The Biskitts were a group of tiny dogs who lived on Biskitt Island. Think of them as the canine Smurfs.
19. Wheelie and the Chopper Bunch: Wheelie was a personified 1974 Volkswagen beetle who had a girlfriend named Rota Ree. Not exactly a classic.
18. Grape Ape: Who can forget a gigantic purple gorilla saying “Grape Ape, Grape Ape” in a deep gravely voice?
17. Speed Buggy: This sputtering jalopy was the heart of the show, getting into adventures with his three teenage friends Tinker, Mark, and Debbie. Far more superior than Wheelie and the Chopper Bunch.
16. Monchichis: Monkeys, monkeys, everywhere!! Or at least I think they were monkeys. They lived in the trees and fought evil opponents. Think of them as the monkey-version of the Smurfs.
15. Clue Club: I wanted to be Dotty so bad, with her wicked-smart book sense. She was the brains of this crime-solving operation – and she was only 12. She constantly showed up her older brother and his friends, and even had two bloodhounds named Woofer and Whimper.
14. Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels: Now he was the Original Gangsta! Who else but a bushy, yuk-mouthed brotha with a big club could hang with three fine ass ladies, Brenda, Dee Dee (the black one), and Taffy. They were always hugging on him, and helping him out of jams. And the nigga couldn’t even speak in complete sentences. Now that’s a pimp!
13. Laff-a-Lympics: This was a hodgepodge of the Hanna-Barbera toons in one show, competing in non-Olympic events, like searching for the Abominable Snowman or ostrich racing. Every week, the Really Rottens tried to outdo the Scooby-Doobies and the Yogi Yahooeys, using evil trickery to foil the other teams. But the good guys always prevailed, and the Rottens were usually in last place with zero points. *Sigh* Why can’t real life be like this?
12. Snagglepuss: When I look back on this toon about a pink tiger whose catchphrase was “Exit, stage left,” how did I not realize he was gay? I mean, he wore a bow tie and cuffs and spoke with in a sing-songy voice; he made grand gestures with his hands and always said stuff like, “Heavens to Murgatroyd.” God, my gaydar must have been broken back then. Today he could have easily been a member of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team.
11. Hong-Kong Fooey: “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!” Except not everyone knew that mild-mannered Penrod “Penry” Pooch, a police-station janitor by day, became a crime-fighting karate expert by jumping into a filing cabinet. As a matter of fact, he helped solve many of Sarge’s cases with his smart-allecky cat, Spot. Not bad for a dog who sounded eerily similar to Sherman Hemsley (aka George Jefferson).
10. Help! It’s the Hair Bear Bunch: I’m convinced these three bears were black. Look at the evidence: they were always trying to escape the “prison” called a zoo, constantly had the munchies, tried to get the other animals to riot, and one even had an Afro. You do the math!
9. The Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm Show: This show was in the post-Flintstone days, when Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm were all grown up as teenagers crazy in love. Call them the Beyonce and Jay-Z of the ‘Roc. (Bedrock, that is!)
8. Jabberjaw: Continuing from above, I remember he had this stupid cackling laugh (like yuk-yuk-yuk), and how he loved to chase the ladies. He also defeated enemies with his bumbling demeanor and his teenage friends (also members of his band The Neptunes, sans Pharell and Chad). Think of him as the “Scooby-Doo of the Sea.”
7. Pixie & Dixie and Mr. Jinx: A simple premise – two mice living in a hole in the wall, and the cat who chased them day and night. Pixie and Dixie were two male rodents, one a little bit country, the other a little bit bougie. Their nemesis was Mr. Jinx, a cat who talked like a gangsta (“I’ll smash you meeces to pieces!”) He used to crack me up with his dumb-ass ideas to eliminate the mice problem. Just like Jerry, the mice always one-upped him. Two heads are always better than one.
6. Yogi Bear: The bear who began it all. He swiped pic-a-nic baskets, menaced Ranger Smith, and had a best friend named Boo-Boo. But if Yogi was smarter than the average bear, how come he always got caught, even after Boo-Boo warned him?
5. Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids: Fat Albert and his gang were cool dudes whose second home was a junkyard. No matter though, they still had a band and managed to impart values in just about every episode – something our black children definitely need. If Fat Albert were around today, though, he’d probably have a gastric bypass, lose 100 pounds and then have his own reality show.
4. Alvin and the Chipmunks: “Watch out, cause here we come!” Who knew three orphaned chipmunks (Alvin, Simon, Theodore) would be adopted by a music-producer/bachelor named Dave and become a successful music group? Funny how that didn’t seem weird when we were growing up. (Also inspired the short-lived spin-off, The Chippettes.)
3. Smurfs: The little blue men with the white hat and tights were the most “smurferific” show on TV. I loved the way each one had his own personality. Papa Smurf was the imparter of wisdom, while smurfs named Brainy, Jokey, Vanity, Grouchy and Clumsy learned new lessons every week. Personally I loved Smurfette. Go figure! And don’t forget about Gargamel and his cat Azrael, who was always trying to capture these happy-go-luck blue people.
2. The Flintstones: Fred and Barney were hilarious. There are episodes that had me rollin’. Especially when they attempted stupid get-rich-quick schemes. And don’t think I wasn’t checking out Betty.
1. Jem: My favorite Cartoon Express show. I couldn’t wait to get home every afternoon to see Jerica Benton turn into her alter ego Jem, a pop princess (before there was even a Britney Spears) by touching her star-shaped earring. You can’t tell me you didn’t love the Jem and the Holograms, and their ever-going battle with the Misfits. Although the show did teach valuable lessons, the fashion and the music were center stage in this classic late 80s cartoon. Count yourself a true fan if you can sing at least two songs from the show.

Yes, I’ve Dated Men

It might surprise you to know that I’ve dated men. Yes, some lesbians have been with men, so get that naughty girl-on-girl thought out of your mind.

I was with two boys, actually, way back when. I’m talking about high school. A long time ago.

For privacy’s sake, we’ll call these boys “Joey” and “Chandler” (Okay so sue me, I like Friends). They did have some similarities, but they were polar opposites when it came to the way they treated me.

Joey was my first love. He was short and stocky, intelligent without really trying hard. Romance was his strong suit, as he would write me at least one love letter a week, complete with mushy ramblings about how he loved me. Joey loved to make me laugh and had a wise beyond his years sensibility. Too wise, in fact. Cause he knew about infidelity at a young age. Joey cheated on me, and because I was in that puppy love stage, I endured his drama — several times. We finally broke up when I found out Joey was at the movies with another girl, and he lied about it.

Now Chandler was the perfect guy. He was intelligent, too, but in a study-too-hard kind of way. Chandler was goofy and sentimental, and really knew how to treat a woman. I remember when he surprised me on Valentine’s Day with white roses (my favorite) and a cute white teddy bear. But time broke us apart, as we ended up at separate schools and couldn’t quite keep our groove. Chandler’s a good guy and I still keep in touch with him every now and then…as friends though.

Those were the men in my life, and now they’re just faint memories on my lesbian landscape. I finally admitted to myself who I am, and that’s quite okay with me.

Dear Chilli and T-Boz, R U Crazy? Love, Deepdiva


Tonight I was half-heartedly watching UPN’s R U the Girl. You know, the reality show where the remaining members of TLC, Chilli and T-Boz, are attempting “to search for that one special girl to join them when they embark on the next stage of their careers,” as per the UPN website.

Why, I ask? Why?

Isn’t it enough that they lost Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez when she died in April 2002? Now they want to find someone to fill the creative void that diminished when she passed away.

What these ladies are forgetting is that no once can replace Left Eye. She was the fire, literally, in the group, the counterpart to T-Boz’s quiet strength and Chilli’s cool demeanor. I mean, who doesn’t remember when she burned down boyfriend Andre Rison’s house. Or when she issued a challenge to her bandmates to outsell her solo album with albums of their own in 1999. Or when she disappeared for a week, only later to find out she was with a boyfriend.

Granted, these aren’t exactly her most shining moments, but memorable nonetheless. She was talented and will always be missed by her fans.

I love them for persevering after their precious loss, but R U the Girl just seems pointless. While it’s admirable that Chilli and T-Boz want to move on with their lives and keep striving, they need to face facts that it will never be the same. TLC will never be the same.

My advice: make solo albums and cherish the time you had with Left Eye. Y’all are talented each in your own right.

FattyHating: The New Prejudice

In one of my Yahoo! groups last week, the debate came up about big women…you know fat women.

The whole thing started for me when a certain member said it was her preference not to date big women. She wanted someone who was “more fit,” “cares about her health,” and “likes to exercise.” The debate was fast and furious, people spouting off about how they felt about dating a woman who has more ample assets.

This was my first response: “i agree, it’s nothing wrong with preferences; everyone likes what they like. but when you discriminate against a whole group of women just because of their size (and by the way, bigger women far outnumber skinny women), i think that’s wrong. i myself am a bigger woman, and have no problem as far as my size because i know i offer alot more than just what i look like. there’s a lot more of us BBWs than thin women, and our hearts are what matter. and it should also be said that just because a woman is “overweight” does not mean she isn’t healthy. there are some women just bigger becuause of heredity and genetics, and don’t have any health issues. it also doesn’t imply that she doesn’t exercise or eat right either.”

Of course, some ladies jumped on me, saying it’s not “discrimination” to overlook big women, just a preference. Some even proceeded to give me the dictionary definition.

Hmmm…

You may call it what you will, but when you decide not to date someone simply on looks than what they have to offer, it is a prejudice. Maybe not a textbook definition of prejudice, but one nonetheless.

This person chose to not date a whole group of women because of what size jeans they’re wearing. Forget that she may have the notorious “cute face,” the one that would look so much prettier “if you just lost the weight.” Or that she may be intelligent, have a good heart, or can cook a mean lasagna that would make you slap yo mama. (Cause the one thing we big gurls can do is cook.)

I’m all for preferences, like there’s certain women I never thought about dating (those women shall remain namless, although they are of a lighter persuasion), but I would never rule out dating one.

Cause the one that I ignore just might be my soulmate. And I’d be too busy worrying about what she looked like.

Being in Love

It’ s amazing how the heart is capable of love. It can make you feel things and do things you’d otherwise never do.

Like I told myself Friday I would not call Miss M.

Miss M. is the woman I have a serious crush on. She has a great heart and a wicked sense of humor, and I love spending time with her.

She might have some idea, but she doesn’t know the way I truly feel.

I’m trying to keep it light, because I don’t know where things are going. I’m a Capricorn, and if you know anything about us stubborn goats, we’re not exactly open with our feelings. We’re the type to stew in our own juices, unless we’re sure about how someone feels about us. Cautious, we’d rather not get hurt.

And I told myself I would give us some space…but then I ‘m picking up the phone…exactly what I said I wouldn’t do.

Crazy Chick Lit With a Capital “C”

What is up with this new form of dramatic literature, what I dub Crazy Chick Lit?

You know the type, where some (usu.) woman goes insane if she can’t have someone’s man (or woman for that matter), and is hellbent on getting their object of their desire even if they have to boil pet rabbits to get him (or her)? The kind where’s he or she about to kill the wife or off the huband just to get next to their crush, and we find out later that this psycho has deep psychological isssues that stem from their childhood. (Boo hoo hoo!)

What got me musing on this was that I just finished Anna J’s My Woman His Wife, a novel about a woman who would stop at nothing to get this man’s wife. She involved the husband, the wife, and even the wife’s secretary. And she has her cake and eats it, too (pardon the pun). Since she couldn’t get the wife away from her husband, then she decides to take more drastic measures. Psychotic stuff. Oh, and did I mention the crazy ho has killed before?

Is this life imitating art, or art imitating life?

Cause if you check the news, this kind of madness is all around us. People hacking people, husbands killing pregnant wives. Uhh, it’s too much for me, and I truly don’t know what the world is coming to. As my mama would say, “We’re at end of our days.” Or was that a cheesy ’80s song?

Back to crazy chick lit. Excuse me, but when did this become an acceptable form of fiction? Ever since the popularity of Fatal Attraction, being nuts has never been more attractive. The nuttier they are the better fiction, Lifetime movie, tv movie of the week, hour-long drama, soap opera it is.

To me , the bitch is crazy and we should lock her up and throw away the key.