I started this page on my blog, when I asked if there was anything you ever wanted to know about dealing with lesbian/gay issues, sex or relationships. I’m posting the questions anonymously, so check back here for my responses. Like I said, I’m not an expert or anything, and of course I don’t speak for everyone in the gay community, but I can try my best to answer honestly.
Q. I just came across your site a few days ago. First let me say that I love your writing style. You have a unique way to draw in the reader and pique the interest until the end, without disappointment.
I just want to ask your opinion of something. I have this fantasy of a woman performing oral sex on me, the fantasy is even better of 2 women on me. I have no desire to do anything to a woman and really feel as though, if I live out this fantasy, a man should be present to finish me off. I just don’t get the whole… break out the artificial penis thing, when you can have a real one attached to a warm hard body (no offense).
The question is, does this make me Bi-curious or do you think it’s normal for us to all have fantasies like this?
Am I curious or normal??
A. You are very normal, believe or not. A lot of women have had fantasies of being with another woman and it’s perfectly okay. If a woman tells you she’s never thought about sleeping with a woman, not even once, that heifer’s lying. Although it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, being with a woman is natural and beautiful. I’m not telling you try it, but if that curiosity is there, why not act on it? My advice is to try it with someone bi-curious so that you both can explore together and understand each other’s needs. Add a man to the mix if you like. It’s your thang, girl, do what you wanna do. Just be safe and have fun.
Q. Hi, I stumbled on your blog couple times in the past and I’ve enjoyed it. I am daring to take you on your offer. I’m not too sure my question/remarks might match what your offer intended, but anyway. I feel kind of pathetic knowing what I’m going to write and I was going to email you in private, but being I’m anon I figured what the heck.
Very Candid: I am a single black female, soon 30, single mom too. All my adult dating life, I’ve had an awful time with men relationship wise and I think I am now… what one would call “the bitter black woman”. Also, there don’t seem to have much options these days for single Black women, even if tries to leap out her race.
However, I have always considered myself straight and still do, but recently (this is where I might tick some people off for perpetrating with my curiosity) I was thinking what if I could be attracted to other women. I realize my want for companionship might be talking to me or I might be looking for “options” out of desperation and perhaps for the wrong reason. I can’t help but to entertain the idea in my head, secretly, even knowing I would have serious intimate insecurities being with another woman. *sigh*, I guess I’m just lonely and afraid, and really need to be touched and loved.
Ok… my point, can a considerably straight female fill “that” kind of void in a companion relationship with another woman who is Bi or a Lesbian?
Thanx for any understanding.
A. Okay, I’m gonna give it to you straight (pardon the pun). I’d rather you be with a woman because you’re curious, not out of desperation. Lesbians get tried by straight women a lot, and when you play with our emotions, we’re not too happy about it. You may find someone who’s willing to fill “that” kind of void for you, but if she wants something more, would you be ready for that? If not, it’s best to leave lesbian sistahs alone–unless you can find someone to be okay with that arrangement. My advice: wait for the right man to come along. I know it can be lonely, but you might be better off.
Q. What was your major in college?
I have a background in journalism, which is where my writing skills were honed. Although I’m not using my degree much now in the real world, it’s come in handy, though (ala this blog).
Q. Hi, I have been in the life since the summer of 05, and I have dated a few sisters, but have only been intimate twice. I want to know where I can meet a quality sista, who is not in the closet. I live in SC.
Also, what is the best type of dildo to use?
Quality women, hmmm…now that’s a doozy of a question. It’s one thing to find a warm body, but it’s another to find someone who is truly a good woman. The best thing I can tell you is to get yourself out there, whether it’s joining your town’s gay organization or going to nightclubs or finding an online lesbian group. That’s how you meet people, and whether or not you make a connection, you’ll get to know more people who could introduce you to other people. Women. Women who are worthy of your time. But really, it’s no one place you can meet a “quality” woman. Other than just having patience and being at the right place at the right time.
What kind of dildo you should use depends on what you prefer. Think about inch size, style and what accessories you’d like to go with it. For example, you may like an 8-9 incher, with a realistic feel and maybe a harness to go with it. I think most women want something enjoyable and large enough (but not too big) that will get the job done. It really just depends on your partner.
Q. If you like Lesbian porn and male gay porn does that mean you are just curious or undercover/in the closet gay?
It means you have a libido. Anyone can be turned on by viewing sexual images. Lesbians can be excited by straight porn and vice versa. It doesn’t mean much, but if that all you watch, and can’t get off any other way, maybe you need to explore why you’re watching it. Hmmmm?
Q. I am heterosexual and have grown up in W. Hollywood pretty much my whole life. I have no problems with anyone’s sexual orientation whatsoever. But there is one thing I’ve NEVER understood. If lesbian women like other women, why do some date or only go for the one’s that look like men? If they’re going to have sex with this woman and use a dildo, why not just be with a man? I’ve just never understood that. Why not embrace womanly features (breasts and hips, etc) instead of trying to downsize them to appear manly?
Why do lesbian women date manly women (who are called “studs” in our community)? Ironically, it’s the whole masculine vibe with a womanly twist. I am mostly attracted to studs because they possess a beautiful combination: the protector, dominant side with a soft body that can get me going. Yeah, it’s been asked of me plenty of times, “Why can’t you just be with a man?” But truly, it’s not the same. Though she’s a stud, she’s still has the emotional capacity of woman that a man just can’t emulate. And it’s not about the dildo; it’s about the woman that it’s attached to.
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I know that there are some people out there who do not support their lesbian family members, but when they do, why would the lesbian’s partner be hateful to them? My mother’s partner is the most abusive woman I have ever met in my life – much more jealous and controlling than the overly jealous and controlling man that I divorced a couple of years ago. I’ve never done a thing to her either (other than be kind, of course). I am not another woman. I am my mother’s daughter, so there is no need for her to behave this way toward me, but this is not the only case that I’m aware of. Why would a lesbian feel threatened by the relationship that exists between her partner and her partner’s child (or grandchild for that matter – she hates my son, too)?
Hi there!
Hope you do read this and are chatting again and things are good in your world! I gots a problem or many really … I have been with my gorgeous girl for 4 years now and we have a beautiful daughter who is nearly 2 yrs old. The problem is we had an intense sexual passion for each other right up until my girlfriend was about 3 months pregnant, since then she felt weird having sex, since giving birth we literally dont have sex any more and she made me feel bad about even touching her. It has casued a lot of problems and we are now thinking of splitting up. The serious problem is that we both still love each other and she tells me she doesnt want to be without me! I dont know if you can help me, I dont think its a case of lesbian bed death, I think its psychological to do with having a baby but I dont want to lose her either. I’m 38 now and its taken a lifetime to have my dream of a family!
Okay, here are my questions… I am in my 40s and recently developed a crush on a female coworker. When I told her how I felt, she rejected me. Shot down on my first try. Ouch.
So most of my life I thought I was only into men, but I was also raised in a repressive religion and then chose to become part of another even more oppressive religion in college and beyond. Therefore, no “experimentation” in my 20s/30s. Whether it’s hormones, aging, or god knows what, I am finding my attractions broadening across gender lines.
I’ve been doing alot of internet research recently, have taken the Klein grid, etc. and have tentatively determined I am more or less a 1-2 or heteroflexible. I can’t commit to “bisexual” because that implies 50-50 and I know I am not that ratio. More like 85-15.
I have NO hands on experience with women. Since I began this “awakening” a year or so ago, I’ve come to realize I’ve had passing crushes on women over the years that I never pursued because it was strictly verboten in my circle and also because I didn’t have to. I had other options.
I remember blushing at 6 because I really wanted to go see The Carpenters live and it wasn’t because of Richard. Then again I also had a crush on Andy Williams at the same age.
Anyway, the more I’m learning about and immersing myself in queer culture (and I have been) the more I’m observing a bias against bisexuals. It’s like everyone is pressuring us to pick a team. I don’t know if you watch “Glee” but this issue just came up on last week’s episode when Kurt’s new crush enjoyed kissing a girl and was treated like a traitor for it.
So here are my questions:
1. Are women as superficial as men? I was looking forward to not being judged by looks by this coworker of mine and it turns out she’s just as superficial if not more than some of the men I’ve dealt with.
2. Does a slightly bisexual woman have any chance at all with a lesbian? Or will they write me off because I also like men. Should I even make an effort to meet somebody else?
3. I’ve also realized during the past couple of years that I’m polyamorous and I was shocked to find that there seem to be few lesbians who are not strict monogamists. I would’ve thought the LGBT community would be pioneers of challenging the social construct of lifelong monogamy. What’s up with that?
Thanks for taking the time to read my story and questions. I am sincerely seeking answers and I look forward to hearing what you have to say.
Please help me, I’m definitely curious when it comes to sex, I’m not afraid to find out if I’m a lesbian. I just flat out don’t know, and I’m scared and confused because I don’t know. I don’t like guys when it comes to sex and for the longest time I thought I was just not sexually oriented till I watched this one movie with a friend of mine called Five Girls and got turned on by the romance in one part (it was lesbian). But despite everything I still like to hang out with guys and have a good deal of them for friends. Also I’m not sure because whenever I think of love, or come up with a story to amuse myself in my head, or even think of going out with someone it’s usually about a guy. This seriously confuses me. And to top it all off I cant exactly find out or experiment. I only know one girl (same friend as above) who’s close to lesbian and shes bi and dating a dude, so even though shed be willing she can’t help me. Which sucks because I really like her and shes dating an awful guy who’s cheated on her and gone to jail, although she said shes only doing it to get revenge, but I don’t see that happening. I’m really happy for her and would never get in her way, but he just doesn’t deserve her. And getting back on subject, I’m worried that the friends I recently made will reject or withdraw from me, and I always hear girls in the locker room talking about how akward and awful and disgusting it is when they find out someones a lesbian. Oh sure they’re perfectly accepting of the local gays (men) and always befriend them, but god forbid your a GIRL who feels that way. This is seriously embarrassing for me to open up like this so please don’t hate and help if possible.