Every now and then, you have to check yourself.
You have to take stock in your emotions and behavior, and figure out what’s the best way to improve yourself.
That’s where I am at this point in my life, being that I’m about three months away from my 30th birthday. Hell, I’m somewhat excited, but mostly reflective about what I need to do to improve myself. I’m far from perfect, and while I do think my good traits outnumber my worst, I know that I can’t ignore the things I’d like to change.
The main thing I have to check myself about is my diva tendencies, that bitch quality that seems to rear its ugly head. It’s really more about trying to have control, which I sometimes feel I don’t have enough of. Life can be disappointing and people can let you down. As much as I know I can’t regulate the behavior of others, it still manages to make me feel defeated. I realize I’m only one person. So I’m asking myself to chill out. Take time to smell the roses. Don’t worry so much. It’s hard, I must admit.
The other side to my tendencies is the protection aspect. I have to protect myself and my emotions–even if it means being hard. It’s just me. One thing I can say is that I’ve opened myself up more lately. Growing up, I was the type to help others, but when it came to trying to get the same in return, I couldn’t allow myself to do it. I’m an internalizer, a person who would rather not “share” my feelings with others, choosing to deal with it alone. Although better now, I still feel it carrying over now.
Just sharing this with the world took a lot out of me.
Are you back for real this time?
God, I hope so.